Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
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When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture