Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
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Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.