[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
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FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
He-man has a Masters degree
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia