I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
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t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man