[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
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If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years