I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
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There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.