me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
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[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
How high do the levels go?
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup