My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
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This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud