If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
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my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.