My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
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I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
🤣🤣🤣
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.