(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
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Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
The glory of fall.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”