How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
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Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’