I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
You Might Also Like
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling