You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
You Might Also Like
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Who’s ready for Friday?!
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Mhm.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.