Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
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*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
our love story in four pictures
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”