I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
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5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter