[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
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My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
🤔😂😂
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Bike for sale
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.