If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
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love pickles so much i put myself in one
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first