“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
You Might Also Like
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle