Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
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i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.