There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
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<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors