It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
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Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it