*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
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ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?