ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
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If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.