*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
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Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.