ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
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“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Seems a bit forward
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will