Spa day..😅
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me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.