Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
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I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?