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Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
This meeting could have been a cake
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency