Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
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I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.