Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
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I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
❤️🦆
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?