I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
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We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona: