A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
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Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.