Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
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I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.