When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
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OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
The A string on my guit_r is flat
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
congratulations to them
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else