Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
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My diet starts in January
of 2027
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.