[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
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If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
That’s not how days work.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off