Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
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Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
my proudest tweet
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️