Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
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I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Catercrombie & Fish
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs