*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
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Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly