my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
You Might Also Like
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
$4 #usedbooks
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
At least try to make it slightly believable
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
My birth announcement for our third baby
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.