I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
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I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care