The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
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That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
There is wisdom there.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol