MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
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[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
the best thing i’ve ever made
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Me :
All Day At Night
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up