My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
You Might Also Like
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
*sewing*
A thread