Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
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A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.