15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
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[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
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My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”