15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
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I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth