My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
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They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
“i miss shittin on people”
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”