cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
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this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.