So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
You Might Also Like
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
I’m calling the cops.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
I hope it’s French Onion!
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.